Jon Lajoie - The Phonecall

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[00:01.41] (Dialing) [00:05.27] [Bob (Jon):] Can't believe this. [00:06.53] [B:] I'm gonna kill this motherfucker. [00:08.09] *Sigh* [00:17.81] [Jake (the other guy):] Hallo [00:19.04] [B:] Hello, Jake [00:20.72] [J:] Uh, hi there Bob. How is it going? [00:23.01] [B:] Well, I'm just fun-fucking-tastic, Jake. How are you? [00:25.96] [J:] Oh, you know. Can't complain. [00:27.76] [B:] That's just fucking great. [00:30.05] Hey. I just spoke with my neighbour who lives across the street, [00:33.12] And he told me that you came by my house today. While I was at work. [00:36.27] [J:] Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah, I just popped in there for a few minutes. [00:41.02] [B:] A few minutes? My neighbour says it was more like three hours. [00:44.69] So what could've you been possible doing alone in my house, [00:48.33] With my wife, for three hours? [00:50.62] [J:] Oh, no, no, no. Look Iâ [00:51.97] [B:] 'Cause you see, a guy like me can get suspicious. [00:54.49] [J:] Listen, uh. I can explain everything. I, Iâ [00:57.60] [B:] Oh, I want you to explain. [00:59.11] [J:] It's not what you think, um. [01:01.72] [B:] Well, please, enlighten me Jake, 'cause I'm really fucking curious [01:04.52] To know what you were doing. [01:06.30] [J:] Look, it's nothing. It's stupid, really. I, I went over to your [01:12.49] House, around one o'clock ([B:] huh), and I fucked your wife [01:14.36] And then I left. [01:15.36] [B:] Really... [01:17.25] [J:] Really, I swear. I went over, I fucked her for a while, and [01:21.02] After we both came, I just went home. [01:24.37] [B:] Is my name Forest Gump, Jake? [01:26.91] [J:] Um, what? [01:28.82] [B:] Answer the fucking question! Is my name Forest Gump?! [01:32.04] [J:] Oh, well, no. [01:34.04] [B:] So why are you treating me like I'm a fucking retard. [01:36.61] You expect me to believe that you were in my house for [01:39.15] Three hours and all you did was fuck my wife?! [01:41.38] [J:] I came over, she, she blew me there for a while ([B:] aha) [01:45.43] I came, so we had to wait for a while. Then we had sex in the [01:51.96] Kitchen, for a while, then we had sex in the living room... [01:54.55] [B:] You're fucking lying to me, and I really don't like it Jake. [01:57.39] You were in my house for three hours! [01:59.52] [J:] No, no. It's not like that. You see, we had sex a few times, [02:04.46] And then she wanted more. She said she was really wet and feeling [02:11.17] Dirty and she wants more than one cock inside of her ([B:] Hm). [02:13.05] So we called your brother to see if he wanted to come over and [02:19.06] Get in on the action, and, and he said 'Yes!', so we waited around [02:24.11] For about an hour. That's, that's why it took so long. [02:27.57] [B:] Hmm. My brother? ([J:] Uhm) [02:28.63] You and my brother double-teamed my wife? [02:31.30] [J:] Oh, yeah, yeah. We gave it to her boy. In every hole. [02:34.37] [B:] Aha. See, that's funny. 'Cause my brother's in Miami this week. I find [02:39.26] It hard to believe that my brother flew all the way to Miami here, to [02:42.62] Double-team my wife with you. [02:44.10] [J:] Oh, well, uhh... [02:47.65] [B:] And you know what the funny thing is? The facet in my kitchen has been [02:50.81] Leaking for three months now. And suddenly today, of all days, it [02:53.77] Decided to stop leaking. [02:56.71] [J:] Uh, oh, oh. [02:57.96] [B:] I'm gonna give you one last chance to answer this question. And if you [03:00.38] Lie, I guarantee you, you're gonna regret it. What where you doing in [03:04.39] My house today?! [03:08.47] [J:] I'm, I'm sorry. Your wife called me, and I didn't, I didn't. [03:12.10] [B:] ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! [03:15.23] [J:] Your wife wanted me to fix the facet, 'cause she couldn't stand the dripping [03:17.71] Noise anymore. I didn't want to do it, but she begged me! [03:21.81] [B:] And what did YOU do?! [03:24.58] [J:] I fixed it. I fixed the facet. I'm sorry! [03:29.20] [B:] You motherfucking, cocksucking piece of shit, you fucking fix my facet, you [03:34.55] Backstabbing FUCK!, I'm gonna fix your face, you hear me?! [03:36.55] [J:] (crying) Iâ [03:37.45] [B:] I'm gonna fix your fucking— [03:49.35]